Worst Comic Comics: Antonin Scalia’s Guide to Comic Book Marriages

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s responses to the recent SCOTUS rulings are already legendary. The man clearly has very strong feelings about the law and about marriage equality so we decided to get his opinion on a few comic book marriages. He placed all of these marriages into two categories: Pure Applesauce or Jiggery-Pokery. In each case he has also made some extra comments.

Pure Applesauce

marriage reed sue  Marriage Lois and Superman  marriage jean scott  marriage donna troy  marriage wedding-of-pietro-and-crystal marriage weddinglukejess-456marriage doc ock  marriage vision and scarlet witch

Pictured above:

  1. Reed and Sue: Radioactively powered male and female
  2. Lois and Clark: Human female and Kryptonian male
  3. Jean and Scott: Mutant female and male
  4. Donna and Terry: Amazon Princess (sort of) and older human male
  5. Crystal and Pietro: Inhuman female and mutant male
  6. Luke and Jessica: Intentionally experimentally altered male and accidentally chemically altered female
  7. Doctor Octopus and Aunt May: Cybernetically enhanced human male and human female
  8. Vision and Scarlet Witch: Android male (?) and mutant female

Scalia: All of these are just fine. Even though there are some weirdos in here, it looks like a guy and a gal getting married so I’m okay with it. It is unfair to expect normal people to explain to their children what is going on when they see two dudes together. Mutants, aliens, robot arms and even entire robots are fine but trying to explain two dudes loving each other is just way too complicated. I do also want to add that Doctor Octopus seems to be a very handsome man.

Jiggery Pokery


 Marriage BatWoman Marriage Apollo Midnighter  comickisses13  marriage kevin
 Pictured above:

  1. Kate and Maggie: Human female and human female (these two never did actually tie the knot .. whew)
  2. Apollo and The Midnighter: Genetically altered male and genetically altered male
  3. Kyle and Jean-Paul: Human male and mutant male
  4. Kevin and Clay: Human male and human male

Scalia: These are not acceptable. This is the United States of America and normal people should have the right to deny weird people the right to have the same rights! It is one thing for them to go make out in a closet but why do the gays need to be all up in our face with this stuff. Stop showering us with your happiness!

Thanks Justice Scalia! We really appreciate your work with us today. We are sorry (we’re really not) that it has been such a rough week for you! 

Categories: John

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